Raging Ronny Mezzo Draft
Today will be remembered as the worst day ever for now 58 year old, Raging Ronny. Back in his heyday he was known for being the craziest dude at any party. Unfortunately, today Ronald “Raging Ronny” Smith will be checking into a retirement home in his hometown. Ron has been dreading this day since his college graduation roughly 25 years ago. Once he arrives, however, he’s greeted by his friends from high school. Party Peter and Crazy Cathy nearly had heart attacks when they saw him. They quickly start reminiscing back to their partying days.
Ron realizes that maybe the retirement home wouldn’t be so bad after taking a tour of his new living space. When they make their way into the main ballroom, the three retired rager’s lightbulbs all flashed on at the same exact time. Ronny is the one who said it out loud, “We need to throw one last party!”
Once Pete and Cathy come back to reality, they realize the dangers of throwing a huge party at a retirement home.
“Ron, you could have a heart attack! You remember what happened back in ‘98, don’t you?” said Pete.
“That was over 20 years ago. I know how to control myself now” said Ron.
Cathy is on the fence and can’t decide who’s side to back up. So, just like the old days, she chooses the party life.
“Don’t be a sissy, Peter” said Crazy Cathy with an aggressive tone.
Pete caved and the traumatizing trio had returned. Immediately they started planning the whole thing out. Cathy was in charge of making the banners and other decorations. Peter was in charge of getting enough snacks and drinks to last the night. Ronny had the important job of inviting everyone and making sure the home’s security did not know anything. Of the three of them, none looked a day over fifty.
The party was set to start at 7:30 P.M. and the whole retirement home was buzzing. Old ladies replace their denchers, old men stretch out so they don’t break a hip.
Once the party was underway, it appeared to be a complete success… for fifteen minutes. The deaf people at the home turned the music up so loud that the speakers blew out. The blind folks started walking into bowls of fruit punch making a complete mess. And ol’ Johnny broke his freakin’ hip.
Security shut down the place pretty quick. The PA came on and said “can Ronald Smith come to the security office please.” Ron felt like he was in high school again.
After being in the home for eight whole hours, Raging Ronny was kicked out and banned from the building for life. When asked if he had anything to say for himself, he calmly said, “I can’t wait to do it again at the next home.”
***
A couple of weeks pass by before a new retirement home finally approved Ronny’s request for him to move in. The only real difference between this home and the last is the security is a lot more disciplined and strict. This means the consequences for throwing an absolute banger of a party are way worse than that of the last home. Ronny thought to himself, “bring it on, security.” He wanted to take on the challenge. The partying passion in Ron’s eyes was quite admirable as the look of determination took over his face.
Ronny knew he had to keep this secretive at first so he stayed low for a few weeks. He observed the patterns and habits of the security guards and memorized every doorway, hallway, and stairway of the building. However, to pull this off, Ronny knew he wouldn’t be able to do it on his own. It was time for recruitment.
In order for the plan to go through correctly, Ron had to gain the trust and respect of the other senior citizens living in the home. At first, he didn’t know where to begin until he heard a shout come from behind him: “Raging Ronny! I thought that was you.” Ron turned around to see who could possibly be calling him by his nickname, and when he saw who it was he had the biggest smile on his face.
Ronny shouts back, “Festive Freddy!”
Fred says replies, “come to the lounge, Hilary’s here too!”
Ron lets out another shout, “Hilarious Hilary!”
After chatting for a couple of hours, Ron finally dropped the question on his old college buddies, “how do you guys feel about throwing one last party?”
In unison, Hilary and Freddy reply by taking bottles of beer and chugging them right in front of a shocked Ronny.
Over the next few days, the newly renovated traumatizing trio spent most of their time thinking of the best way to get as crazy as possible without getting in as much trouble. Out of the three of them, Freddy had been in the home the longest. This means he knows that the security guard for the lounge takes an hour long nap at two o’clock in the afternoon every single day. The plan was to steal his keys while he’s napping so they could lock all the senior citizens in the party and lock all the security guards out.
The next day at 2:00 P.M. sharp, the lounge security guard fell asleep. Hilary was the one who manned up and stole the keys. They gathered up decorations, finger foods, and beverages. Now they just needed to wait until Friday night. Friday is ideal because most of the staff leaves the building at six in the afternoon and goes home for the weekend.
The party was set to start at eight o’clock, thirty minutes past curfew. Everyone in the home received an invitation which Ronny slid in the mailboxes. The entire home was packing into the lounge and by the time security could do anything about it, the doors were shut and locked. Never has anyone seen a party this extreme.
Old people jumping off the stage and crowd-surfing. Elders who’ve been in wheelchairs for decades finally stand up again to dance. Canes and walkers flying all through the room. Raging Ronny felt this party was a total success… until the next morning.
Ronny woke up in his guest room but didn’t remember how he got there. He turned on the TV and to his surprise he saw a picture of himself on the news with the words “WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE” under his name. Now starting to panic, Ron runs out of the room. He came to the lounge and that’s the moment he knew he messed up. Body bags all over the floor with bodies in them, the majority of the retirement home was wrecked, and the whole community would be out to kill Ron in a matter of minutes.
Ronald Smith was arrested for being responsible for the twelve lives lost at the party and instigating a riot. Now the only thing on Raging Ronny’s mind was, “what are the prison parties like?”
